Knight Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger installs an AI unit in Archer's car. The problem is that it's not exactly William Daniels' personality.


**Krieger took off with the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. I just thought this would be a given.**

 **Knight Archer **

"Why did you let Krieger talk you into letting him tinker with your car?" Ray asked Archer as they sat in the bullpen drinking scotch.

"Because neither Mother nor Cyril would pay for it this month," Archer told him. "For some reason Mother is actually on **Cyril's side** for once!"

"Maybe because she's tired of losing money on that piece of Italian hunk of junk you call a car?" Ray snorted.

"First of all, it is a classic Ferrari 308 GTB/GTS," Archer held up a finger. "It is **not** a hunk of junk!"

"What exactly goes GTB and GTS stand for anyway?" Ray asked. "Gears Transmission Bad and Goes To Sh…"

"Shut up!" Archer interrupted. "As I was saying, Ray-Man it is a classic car."

"Featured on a classic detective show," Ray rolled his eyes. "Archer just because you bought Magnum PI's car doesn't make you Magnum God Damn PI!"

"It is not the _exact car_ obviously Ass!" Archer snapped. "But the same make and model."

"Well if it is I'm guessing Magnum PI rode the bus a lot," Ray remarked.

"It's a great car Ray!" Archer snapped.

"Yeah if you're a mechanic working on it and getting paid by the **hour** ," Ray added. "Archer that thing breaks down more often than Cyril's resolve over his porn addiction. And I don't need to tell you that's a lot!"

"That car is a well-crafted work of art," Archer said. "All the parts must be working together in harmony for maximum performance."

"Dear God Archer," Ray shook his head. "Is that what the dealer told you? Man how drunk were you to buy **that load**?"

"It's a great car," Archer defended.

"Then how come I've never seen you **drive it**?" Ray asked.

"I've driven it!"

"To the mechanic?"

"Shut up," Archer pouted.

"I've seen you being towed in that car," Ray spoke up. "And I've seen you trying to start your car without success. Several times."

"Look American gas is different than European gas!" Archer snapped. "It's a proven fact!"

"So is the Lemon Law," Ray gave him a look.

"Is that the rule about drinking lemon juice every two to four hours to get rid of scurvy?" Pam asked as she walked up.

"No," Ray and Archer said at the same time.

"We're talking about Archer's car," Ray explained.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "Man did you get hosed Archer!"

"Pam…" Archer gave her a look.

"That salesman must have seen **you** coming a mile away!" Pam snorted with laughter. "What did you do? Wear that dumb ass fake mustache while you were looking at cars?"

"I look good in a mustache damn it!" Archer protested. "And that car is not a lemon."

"Archer that car breaks down more than Ray's legs!" Pam snorted.

Ray shrugged. "She's not wrong."

"If it looks like a broken down lemon," Pam went on. "Tastes like a broken down lemon. And has a million repair bills like a broken down lemon. Guess what it is Archer?"

"A taco?" Archer said sarcastically.

"What about tacos?" Krieger walked in. "I never touched those tacos! My food raping days are behind me!"

"This is about Archer's dumb car that always breaks down," Pam explained.

"Odd, I always thought cars that bad were called lemons," Krieger looked confused. "Huh, learn something new every day. Oh by the way Archer I fixed your car."

"Wait a minute," Pam laughed. "You dumb ass! You actually let **Krieger** work on your precious car to try and fix it?"

"Why not?" Archer snapped. "Ray lets him fix his body!"

"That's not exactly the best argument in his defense," Pam gave him a look. "I mean come on Archer…" She indicated Ray.

"You know…?" Ray growled.

"Yeah!" Krieger snapped. "I think I did rather well with Ray. Considering what I had to work with."

"You know…?" Ray glared at him.

"I mean robotic parts," Krieger explained. "Not your organic ones."

"Does it really matter?" Archer remarked. "The entire package isn't exactly the shiniest model on the lot."

"I'm faster than your stupid car!" Ray protested.

"It's true," Pam admitted. "Even when he's in the wheelchair."

"I'm not going to listen to you anymore," Archer got up.

"That would imply you ever listen to anyone in the **first place** ," Ray remarked.

"Look Krieger tinkers with his van all the time," Archer pointed out. "And that runs pretty damn well. So if you will excuse me I am going for a drive."

"Do you need a bus schedule?" Pam called out as he and Krieger left. "Or are you taking a taxi?"

"Eat a dick!" Archer called back.

"Gladly!" Ray shouted back.

"I wish!" Pam chuckled.

"Damn it!" Archer groaned. "I forgot who I was talking to for a moment."

"Ray and Pam," Krieger reminded him. "What? You said you forgot."

"So did you fix my car?" Archer asked.

"Yup, yup, yup…" Krieger nodded. "I even added some improvements. A feature that helps you park your car hands free. Uh and a few other things…"

"It doesn't shoot rocket launchers does it?" Archer asked. "Because I remember what happened the last time you put them in my car. Mother still bitches about that hole in the garage wall."

"Nnnnnnnnope," Krieger said.

"You kind of hesitated on the N there," Archer noticed.

"Did I?" Krieger said innocently.

"Yeah you did," Archer narrowed his eyes. "Krieger…"

"No weapons of mass destruction this time!" Krieger said. "Swearsies realsies!"

"Well if you say swearsies realisies…" Archer sighed. "I thought that was Pam and Carol's thing?"

"Eh I sort of borrowed it," Krieger admitted. "Along with a few other parts I found lying around."

"I'm going to just pretend you didn't say that," Archer sighed.

"That would be a good idea," Krieger added.

"Well it looks the same," Archer looked at his car when they went to the garage. "Hey you even gave it a good shine!"

"Of course I did!" Krieger sniffed. "I know the importance of maintenance. Now you might want to ease up on the throttle. I added a little extra kick as well as…"

"Krieger I think I know how to drive my own car," Archer snorted. "Did you install a CD player?"

"Yes."

"Then there shouldn't be a problem," Archer said.

"Okay so take it out for a test run," Krieger told him.

"Oh I will," Archer grinned.

Ten minutes later…

 _"I'm all right! Nobody worry about me!"_ Archer sang along with the CD player as he drove his car through the sunny streets of LA _. "Why you got to gimme a fight? Can't you just let it be?"_

"Kenny Loggins, you're a crazy bastard but one hell of a songwriter!" Archer remarked. "Now I'm gonna put the pedal to the metal and see what this baby can really do!"

"Why?" Mallory's voice was heard. "So you can get to the whorehouse faster?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed as he nearly lost control of the car. "MOTHER?"

"God how drunk **are you?"** Mallory's voice groaned.

"Mother? Mother? Where are you?" Archer looked around in a panicked voice.

"I'm not your mother, you idiot," Mallory's voice spoke up. "I'm an artificial intelligence program. Designed by Doctor Krieger to assist and protect you. Pretty much like your real mother does for you only I don't have to pay your bills."

"What?" Archer did a double take.

He then noticed a small monitor under the CD player in the car. Lights lit up every time the AI talked. "Krieger didn't tell you about me did he?"

"Well he did say he installed a feature that would help me to park without using my hands," Archer realized.

"That would be me," The AI Unit said. "Gee I wonder why you would **not** need your hands to park? You must be hanging around Cyril too long."

"Hey!" Archer barked.

"You really can't wait until you're home to start jacking off?" The AI Unit asked. "Typical."

"Krieger you idiot…" Archer gritted his teeth.

"Dr. Krieger is not an idiot!" The AI unit barked. "He is a wonderful, intelligent man and I will not have you talking badly about him Sterling!"

"You have got to be kidding me…" Archer moaned.

"I am not!" The AI Unit told him. "I think Dr. Krieger's genius is sorely underappreciated."

"Well now I **know** you're not my mother!" Archer groaned. "Your personality is a lot warmer than hers! Which really says a lot! By the way, can you tell me what you're called?"

"Just call me MAL," The AI Unit said. "And watch where you're going. You're weaving all over the road like a drunk Irishman!"

"Oh god!" Archer moaned. "No wonder that Crabapple guy in My Mother The Car went nuts!"

"That's Crabtree," MAL corrected.

"Whatever," Archer groaned. "And did you turn off my Kenny Loggins CD?"

"Yes I did!" MAL said. "It was giving my processors a headache. If I wanted to hear mindless screeching, I'll drive over a cat."

"First of all Kenny Loggins is a national treasure!" Archer barked.

"Oh spare me," MAL groaned.

"Why can't you be William Daniels?" Archer snapped.

"Copyright infringement," MAL explained.

"Like that ever stopped Krieger before," Archer rolled his eyes. "Okay then why not a sexy female voice?"

"Dr. Krieger says **I am** a sexy female voice," MAL purred.

"UGGGHHHHHH!" Archer cringed and shuddered. "I can never un-hear that."

"He says I am the epitome of femininity," MAL went on.

"Or that!" Archer moaned.

"I'm certainly better than that squeaky mouse Mitsuko!" MAL added. "Jealous little bitch."

"Do you have an off switch?" Archer asked.

"Personally I think Dr. Krieger has a thing for the original Mallory," MAL went on. "Not that I can blame him…"

"OH DEAR GOD THERE'S NO OFF SWITCH!" Archer shouted.

"No there's not! So get used to it!" MAL snapped.

"Why the hell did Krieger put my mother's voice and personality into my car?" Archer shouted.

"I guess he thought it would be a dream come true," MAL said.

"Only in my nightmares!" Archer grumbled.

"Why can't you grow up and be a better son to your mother?" MAL asked. "She doesn't seem so bad."

"Why don't you get drunk on anti-freeze?" Archer barked.

"At least Dr. Krieger appreciates your mother," MAL said. "Albeit mostly as a sex symbol…"

"THAT'S IT!" Archer grabbed the wheel. "I am turning you around and…And hey! Why I can't I move the steering wheel?"

"Because I am taking control," MAL said.

"WHAT?" Archer shouted as he tried to take control of the car.

"Oh don't be so dramatic," MAL said. "I'm sure you're used to this by now."

"What? My mother trying to ruin my life?" Archer barked. "Let me out of here! Hey! Hey! Don't speed up!"

"Why not?" MAL asked as she sped up. "I thought you wanted to go fast?"

"Only when I'm in control!" Archer struggled to regain control but without luck.

"Oh please! You're soused out of your tiny little mind," MAL scoffed. "If you think about it I'm doing you a favor. Saving you from a DUI."

A siren was heard behind Archer. "How about a speeding ticket?" Archer sighed.

Ten minutes later…

"Officer I can't get out of the car!" Archer protested to the police officer standing next to his car. "I'm locked in!"

"Okay first of all…" The officer gave him a look. "You don't have your license or your wallet…"

"Yeah I forgot it back at the detective agency," Archer admitted. "Which is really disturbing. How was I going to pay for drinks?"

"Add speeding, reckless driving…" The officer went on. "And now you claim you can't get out of your car."

"Yes."

"You are aware that you are in a convertible right?" The officer gave him a look.

"Yes, but the seat belt is stuck," Archer said. "My car won't let me go! And you don't believe me right?"

"Whatever gave you **that idea**?" The officer asked as he wrote something on a piece of paper.

"This is not my first ticket," Archer admitted.

"No kidding," The officer said.

"It's not my fault that HAL 9000's evil twin sister is controlling my car!" Archer protested.

"Uh huh," The officer gave him a look. "Sir have you been drinking?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" MAL spoke up.

"What the hell…?" The officer did a double take. "Are you on one of those hands free phones?"

"If I was I would call for help!" Archer told him.

"Do you mind?" MAL spoke. "I'm trying to have a conversation with this idiot."

"Is this some kind of joke?" The officer shouted.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," MAL said.

"Will you shut up?" Archer barked.

"Why?" MAL asked. "Are you mad that I'm annoying the policeman and you're not?"

"Well yes…" Archer admitted.

"Why do I always get all the weirdoes?" The officer groaned.

"But it was your reckless driving that got me in trouble in the first place!" Archer shouted at the car.

"You're blaming the **car** for your speeding?" The officer gave him a look.

"What is so confusing?" Archer barked. "My mother is an evil car trying to control my life! Just like Christine! Wow, Steven King got it right off the bat."

"Is this one of those hidden camera TV shows?" The officer looked around. "Damn it, I swore I wouldn't fall for that again!"

"Look officer," MAL said. "I had to take control of the vehicle. To make sure this idiot didn't get in any trouble."

"And you're doing such a **wonderful** job of it!" Archer said sarcastically.

"Oh like you wouldn't have been in this situation on your own!" MAL added.

"The last thing I need is a defective AI unit criticizing my driving!" Archer barked. "No, that's not true. The **last** thing I need is an enema with yogurt and fire ants while Lana insists on talking about our relationship in a crocodile pit. But second to that…"

"Excuses, excuses!" MAL scoffed.

"Oh you are so like my mother!" Archer snapped. "Passing the blame! Ignoring how you screw things up all the time."

"Excuse me?" MAL spoke up. "From what I understand you're the one who screws up as well as **screws around** all the time!"

"Hey!" The officer snapped.

"What?" Archer and MAL said at the same time.

"I need you two to stop arguing right now!" The officer told them.

"Well tell her to stop interrupting me!" Archer pointed to the car.

"I was not!" MAL protested.

"Was too!" Archer snapped.

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"You so were!"

"No I wasn't!"

"Will you two knock it off?" The officer shouted.

"You don't have to yell," MAL sniffed. "Don't you realize how rude it is to yell at a lady?"

"I'm sorry Ma'mm but…" The officer did a double take.

"Yeah, right?" Archer shrugged.

"Now I'm talking to the car…" The officer blinked. "I gotta stop taking these double shifts."

"That's it," MAL said. "I'm out of here!"

"What are you doing?" Archer snapped as the car started. "Don't you dare start this car! Don't you dare release the emergency break! Don't you dare drive!"

"Watch me!" MAL snapped as she started to speed away.

"HELP!" Archer shouted as she drove off. "I'M BEING KIDNAPPED BY MY MOTHER THE CAR!"

The officer just stood there in shock.

"That's it…" The officer sighed. "I'm clocking out for the day. My limit of crazy has officially been reached."

"AAAAHHH!" Archer shouted as MAL drove through the streets of LA. "THIS CAR IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"I'm not going to kill you, you idiot!" MAL snapped. "I'm going to take you someplace where I can lecture you and help you improve your life. Like maybe quit drinking and…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed, for to him that was a fate worse than death. "THAT'S IT!"

He fumbled with his pockets and pulled out a switchblade. "Ah ha!" He cut himself free from the seat belt. "And now for you!"

"What are you doing Sterling?" MAL said menacingly.

"THIS!" Archer shouted as he jammed the switchblade into the AI unit.

MAL sent a shockwave through Archer who kept on fighting. "You can't stop me!" MAL challenged.

"Wannna bet?" Archer gritted through the pain as he hacked at the machine controlling his car.

"Sterling…" MAL sputtered.

"WHY MUST MY MOTHER ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING I LOVE?" Archer screamed as he yanked out the AI unit with his hands. "And Krieger comes a close second. Well technically third because…"

"I'm not driving the…" MAL sputtered before it died.

"HA! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID…" Archer crowed.

Then he realized that MAL was no longer driving the car.

CRASH!

"Uhhhh…" Archer groaned as his car hit a tree. He was thrown out of the car onto the street. "Eat a dick…"

THUNK!

A coconut hit him on the head. "Oooh…Didn't know the trees here had…"

THUNK!

Another coconut had hit Archer on the head.

"Pretty coconut…." Archer moaned before he passed out.

An hour later back at the Figgis Agency…

"Oh hey Archer," Krieger said cheerfully. "How did the test drive go? Did you like the new AI unit I installed? Archer? Archer?"

Archer stood there. He had bruises on his face. His clothes were battered and torn. In one hand he held the broken AI unit. In the other a crowbar. He casually tossed the AI unit onto the floor. But he held a firm grip on the crowbar.

"So…" Krieger gulped. "I'm guessing that there were a few bugs in the AI unit."

"Yeah, a couple…" Archer's left eye twitched. "And you know what we do with bugs? Or in this case people who **bug me**?"

"Uhhhhh…" Krieger gulped. "Have a beer with them and have a good laugh over it?"

"No," Archer said in a menacing tone.

"Uhhhh…" Krieger was starting to get very nervous. "Have a good bottle of scotch together and hug it out?"

"No," Archer growled.

"You're going to beat the proverbial shit out of me aren't you?" Krieger gulped.

"Literally…" Archer readied the crowbar. "I will **literally** beat you until shit comes out of your body…No matter what hole it comes out of."

"Don't suppose an offer to fix your car for free would help would it?" Krieger gulped.

"What do **you think**?" Archer snarled.

"SMOKE BOMB!" Krieger shouted as he ran away.

"THAT ONLY WORKS IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SMOKE BOMBS KRIEGER!" Archer shouted as he ran after him.

"Good to know!" Krieger gulped as he ran. "That will be my next project!"

"ASSUMING YOU LIVE THAT LONG!" Archer screamed.

Meanwhile Cyril and Mallory were going over something in Cyril's office. When they were interrupted by screaming. "Dear God what fresh hell is going on **now?** " Mallory groaned as she poured herself a drink.

"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Krieger screamed as he ran by the office. "AAAAAHH!"

"REVENGE RAMPAGE!" Archer cackled madly as he swung the crowbar.

"Why is Archer chasing Krieger around with a crowbar?" Cyril blinked.

"I don't know," Mallory took a drink. "But odds are, Krieger deserves it."


End file.
